Two things are building up my anger right now. It’s been like this for a few days now.

Item #1: I have a lot of annoying habits but my worse habit is when I’m so heated at someone that I need alone time.. only to take it out on myself until all of the anger builds up and starts crumbling down on me.

I have the hardest time trying to manage my anger because I’ve always known to just suppress it because of my father telling me to shut up or because people just think it’s nothing but bitching when I’m angry. 

I’m starting to get tired of all of it….

Item #2: I’ve been thinking for weeks now, I need to always consider everyone else and how they feel before my own. 

And taking into consideration their feelings sucks so much because those I’m taking into consideration only think of themselves.

I fucking hate ALL of this shit.

I need you right now.. I wish you were here, ‘cause I’m so scared to the point where I’m shaking and I don’t know if I can hold myself together…

Trust me, I wanna give up as much as you do. I wish I could give up and let things play as it should, but one thing I don’t think you realize or ever will realize is that I fight for what I love even if it is the smallest thing. I have no mindset of giving up so easily… If I have to fight for what I love until no end, then so be it.

After everything that has happened this week, I definitely realized I’ve been relying on him for a lot of stuff. I need to stop because the more I rely on him the more I start to become clingy and whiny, that’s the one thing I wouldn’t want to be when it comes to our relationship. He and I are definitely struggling with balancing our own lives and at the end of the day, I realize I give him more shit to deal with. I should be supportive not an extra burden. I love him more than he even knows or even realizes which is probably why I really want to just spend every waking moment with him but that’s one thing that’s absolutely highly impossible…

I know he and I won’t have as much time for each other like we started off, I just need the patience and the strength — I guess. In the mean time, I’ll find some other way to keep myself sane when he’s loaded with a lot of work.

PS to him: If you see this, I love you…. a lot.

Obviously, you guys want me to be anorexic. So, I’ll do just that; I won’t eat anymore… at least for the next 10 days. I’m tired of always being judged as soon as I place something on the table. They’re always cracking jokes, watching the food I eat, saying its all disgusting, this and that. I’m tired of hearing the same judgmental bullshit from all of you, but you guys win. Congrats, I won’t be eating anymore.

I love every little detail about you but what I love most is when I’m going through a problem and you’re always there saying “ We’ll get through this.”

It’s like every problem I have you’re willing to hold the light just to make sure I’m safe in times of darkness. You make me smile every time you say “We” instead of it just being me going through it alone and that just makes me love you even more every time. It gives me hope to be honest, that I’m not alone and that I have someone always supporting me in the end.

It’s a problem when I start digging my nails into my own skin until it turns red or leaves marks, like I used to sophomore year.

I’m starting to stress out and become a whole lot weaker than I was or used to be. It’s starting to scare me, actually. I’m afraid I can’t even handle anymore problems and I feel like one more issue or problem will make me tick or make my blood boil to the extreme. The sad part of it all is I really do feel like I’m getting weaker and all of this is taking a toll on my health. Mentally tired to the point where I’m becoming physically tired and starting to feel myself get sicker, ever minute…

I’ve never been the one to give something up for lent and I know I should but it just never really processed in my mind to. But this year is different, I’ll make sure of it.

…I’ve been selfish way too much.

If Jesus sacrificed his life to save us from eternal damnation and save us from evil consuming the world 100%, then I can make a few sacrifices.

Other than the usual weekly Sunday masses and the fasting on Fridays:

• Pray the rosary once a week
• Cut down from saying “Fuck” or “Shit”, ya know those REALLY vulgar words.
• Find patience and optimism in most things

I’ll probably find some more things to add into this list soon… I just hope I have the strength to do the third one… 

Overly kind-hearted | Gets stressed easily
Too care free | Worries too much
Optimistic | Pessimistic
Sagittarius | Capricorn
Dare Devil | Pyro
Tease | Troll
S T U B B O R N
You | Me

…Damn, I fucked up last night. 

I don’t think my boyfriend understands how much I want to kill him right now.

…freakin’ tease.